Shoe Column: Hey — You Can’t Do That
By Tim “Shoe” Sullivan
So I was chatting with Stevens Point Mayor Mike Wiza. Since I’m a solid citizen, I wanted to check out some of the city ordinances.
Question: There’s no skateboarding downtown, right? The Mayor: “That’s right. Not on the sidewalks.”
Question: One is not allowed to ride a bike down the Iverson Park ski jump? The Mayor: “I believe that
is frowned upon.”
Question: Can you ride a motorboat in the Bukolt Park lagoon? The Mayor: “A definite no-no.”
Question: What if someone yells “Bingo” when they don’t have it? The Mayor: “I wouldn’t advise doing that.”
Question: Is it true that you can’t park your vehicle on the street overnight during a blizzard? The Mayor: “Ticket City for sure.”
Question: If you get caught shoplifting a calendar, what do you get? The Mayor: “Twelve months.”
Question: Are there any more local ordinances we should know about? The Mayor: “Well, if a parsley farmer doesn’t pay his taxes, we can garnish the wages.”
After listening to the mayor, it seems like we don’t have it too bad around Stevens Point. He was informed that it’s illegal to hunt camels in Arizona or drive a camel on the highway in Nevada. And all taxicabs must carry a broom and shovel in the District of Columbia. And turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits in Florida.
Mayor Wiza: “We recently arrested the Energizer Bunny and charged it with battery.”
The mayor was told that it is illegal to lasso a fish in Tennessee and it’s illegal for more than eight rabbits to reside on the same block in Alabama. Then he was informed that a Kentucky law says that burglary can only be committed at night, and in Louisiana, it’s illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the teller with a water pistol. The mayor said, “Yeah, they mean business down there.”
He also discovered that in Gainesville, Georgia, a city ordinance prohibits eating chicken with a fork.
And in Baltimore, Maryland, it’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. And it’s unlawful to lend your
vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
“What if it’s your neighbor down the block?” He asked.
I guess that’s okay.
Mayor Wiza also learned that it’s illegal in Michigan to hitch a crocodile to a fire hydrant. And in Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
And in Corvallis, Oregon, women can’t drink coffee after 6 PM.
Mayor Mike knew that it’s illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalk in Greene, New York during a concert.
The Mayor noted: “Back in the day, and I’m not sure if it’s still on the books, but if you found someone’s goat, the owner either paid you $5 or you got to keep the goat.” He also said: “We frown on jay-walking, but L-walking is okay.”
Like I said, we got it pretty good around here. And if you feel like hitching a crocodile to a fire hydrant, I guess it’s your call. Just remember…don’t try that in Michigan.